Contemplate Perfection

What if, for one day, you did NOT judge yourself. What if the tape that was installed in your head was not allowed to rewind? How would your life feel, look and take shape if you didn't entertain the notion that you are broken? We do not need fixing - we need to soften and practise kindness with ourselves. On Friday night after an AWESOME day, I felt riveted anger with everything. My default map wanted me to pillage and tear apart all that I came into contact with. I took up space by myself and softened to the anger, which made way for the incredible overwhelming sadness that rushed in. It wasn't until 2am Saturday morning that I was able to sleep - hours of crying can release that which you have allowed to sit with you. I grew up in a family where anger was not allowed and it took me years to understand that anger is something that needs to be processed and more importantly needs room to grow. All of our feelings need room to grow - in order to fully experience pure joy, anger needs to be fully experienced as well. Honour this in your children and empathize with them because they are a direct reflection of YOU. If you are unable to be comfortable with anger, crying, tantrums or "BAD BEHAVIOUR" soften to your own feelings first. Your children are the intelligent barometers of your feelings - they are perfect, whole and complete when they come to us, just as we were as we entered this plane. Contemplate their perfection - at times I find my childrens' collective and individual beauty almost too much to bear. Allow - yourself to contemplate your children and their beauty as well as your own - it is amazing how much softening can happen if we remove judgement - even just for one day. xo

Who Is Parenting Our Children?

Once I had children I fully occupied a brand new space on this plane. I was torn wide open by the love I felt for each one of them and continue to be that way today. As my children have grown I realized that there is a "voice" that speaks to me that I swear is like a tape recorder that has the "play and rewind" buttons activated on a daily basis. My struggles with parenting have come when the voice is telling me to do one thing and my gut instinct completely disagrees! The problem is that normally my mouth, commanded by the "voice" says something before my gut can jump in. Then I can't take it back. What I have learned is that I over 40 some odd years have internalized all of the voices of authority that I was exposed to growing up. Collectively, they have at times over the years dictated how I should be parenting. When I realized that we learn to parent based on how we were parented and I removed myself from the equation, it didn't take long to figure out that I am parenting my children based on information passed down through the generations - from people that have never even met me! Our great, great grandparents and beyond are installed in each of us, but that is all. We are not blaming anyone - everyone does the best they can with what they have at the time, but recognizing that this installation of genes, habits, traits and reactions can be UNINSTALLED by responding to a situation is so very freeing! What we need to learn to do is DIS-ENGAGE from the voice we hear. If we grew up in families where we were not allowed to have room for our feelings to grow, this can be a process that takes time. When I work with families in distress, the identification of feelings and how to describe, weight and honour them is the first step in restoring harmony and deeper connection. Sitting in these feelings, dis-engaging the voice and allowing your gut instinct to take the lead will allow you to parent your children, deepen your connection with your partner and live in the present moment. We will all make mistakes as we go - we are human and wonderful- what we cannot do is let ourselves be defined by our mistakes as this will cause us to live in our heads where the tape or voice hits "rewind" and we take our default maps, which are conditioned responses. Feel it - all of the love, the instinct and the pain and grow as a human being and a parent. That is yours to own. xo

Grounding - The Multiplicity of the Word

For me, letting go of that which no longer serves me has become a mantra. In my parenting classes and workshops I tell the parents that I wish I had adopted the "No praise, no punishment" mantra as well, years ago. Holding space for constant praise does not allow a child to develop their own sense of self - perpetual praise means that a child is viewed and valued based on their accomplishments and achievements. For parents, we run out of the energy to hold our children in this way - their self-worth, their mood, their demeanor is determined by how valued they feel based on how well they accomplished their task or participated and contributed in their chosen sport or competition. How many of us as adults still need stroking, praise and approval to prove to us that we are valuable? How many of us do more and have the disease to please? How many of us are aware that this is the fast track to burn out for both ourselves and our children?
I am in love with the notion of grounding. Grounding means taking things, events, expendable energy away and bringing things to a center. I don't believe in it anymore as punishment, but as a way to calm a soul fever, to bring things back into perspective and to allow each of us to come home to ourselves. If we are physically sick, we are grounded. If our soul has a fever and we are overwhelmed, exhausted, or burnt out we need to strip away all the excesses and be grounded. I work with families and see childrens' attention spans, concentration and emotional availability improve when they are grounded - in the love and time of their parents. We need to stop over-scheduling and allow them time to play, to not be overloaded with too much adult information and television, scheduled play and expectations. Connecting, loving and disconnecting from external stimuli are what our children and we ourselves crave. We are completely hard wired to connect with each other. Grounding in this love sometimes means missing extended family celebrations, not doing the laundry, not staying late for a meeting and perhaps missing a favourite sport. It also means healing, loving and coming home to ourselves.

She's Turning 17

So tomorrow she is 17. She is Sarah, my second child, my second daughter. Last September she coerced me into going to see Kings of Leon in concert in our home town. My response initially, was "they are a bit harsh, Sarah." I'll think about it. "What's there to think about, Mum? You just need to listen to more of their music and I think you'll agree you need to go to the concert with me." I did just that - driving her to work we listened to "Sex on Fire" and I must say that I really enjoyed them. My husband dropped us off the night of the concert and we headed directly to the t-shirt stall and I bought her a t-shirt and we headed to our seats. We chatted through the opening band and I watched her become entranced as the Kings as Sarah calls them came onstage. The large screens projected Caleb Followill's image all over the arena and all Sarah could say was "Mum, look at him." Well, how could you not look at him? When "Sex on Fire" came on live, I was transported back in time to when I was sixteen and I was in the presence of Sting with the Police for the first time... didn't the opening strains of this Kings of Leon song sound eerily like "Message in a Bottle?" Didn't this bearded man move just as magically as Gordon Sumner did 27 years ago? Was Sarah feeling the same rush tonight as I did when I was sixteen? I certainly didn't dance as well as she was dancing this night.. this baby that saved my life now seventeen years ago when I was operated on twenty weeks into my pregnancy with her. When the pathology came back with very scary results, I remained attached to this little soul and we battled on together through all kinds of horrible tests, blood work and doctor's appointments. She came rushing into the world, curly haired, peaceful and so very present... her dad was right there, ready to catch her and love her and her older sister Emily, her best friend, her protector, welcomed her into her heart. This child, this force, continues to be the second of my three biggest life lessons- she pushes me on, she challenges me, she is sassy, fierce and fearless - and tomorrow she is 17 by her real age, but her heart has been around this way many times before. Happy Birthday, my Sarah, my warrior princess.