Stopping The Tantrums

What if we were to understand that temper tantrums are caused by parents? I am running workshops titled "Stopping The Tantrums" because so many of my registrants in my Calm Mum classes ask me how to deal with tantrums. Let's look at what transpires with a tantrum (and for the record I hate the word - it is really a cry for help) and how we react. First things first - most of us make the first mistake with a tantrum by reacting. If we learned to respond to our children, tantrums would not exist. Tantrums are a cry for attention, a plea for time, a desire to connect. Adults have tantrums too - we display them in behaviours, attitudes, pleas and cries. Different types of tantrums have different resolutions, different needs to be addressed, different concerns to be processed. Empathy works wonders in the first step to resolution with tantrums, as does being connected, not diminishing your child and making them feel safe. It is amazing what we learn about ourselves when we watch our children - they are really just reflecting our own behaviours back to us, as hard as that may be to hear.

Balance

Balance is elusive, compelling and imperative. I struggle with balance - in parenting, in working, in relaxing, in life. This elusive state has been on my mind a lot more lately and I have decided to adopt "rhythm" into my life more regularly. Rhythm to me is a predictability in my day, an intuitive knowing that cycles will be more intrinsic, an honouring of BALANCE. To follow rhythms means comfort, solace and connectedness. For small children, predictability is key to keeping overwhelm low, confidence and self-esteem high and allows pressure valves in the day. These pressure valves are decompression times - circadian rhythms are followed, the body rests, restores and revitalizes. I truly believe as we grow and age we, like children, need unscheduled time. True disengagement from media, stimulation and drama will break addictions, stop triggering life traps and allow us to come home to ourselves. Listen to your heart, your body, your rhythms - finding balance will no longer be so elusive if you do.

Collapsing

It never ceases to amaze me every time I am truly "in spirit" and emotionally connected to the moment I am in that everything else collapses. Zoning out is such an active assault on every day life - it eats up time, it defragments our memory and it pushes our panic buttons. Stripping away the accumulation of insults, hurts and things we THINK are true is imperative to thriving - not just surviving. As I study the intricate kink of the curl in my second biggest life lesson's hair, as I nuzzle the neck of my seven year old nephew, I am living. When my oldest child snuggles against me, twenty years of being broken open grounds me. Because I am humbled at the sheer volume of compassion my son exhibits towards his sisters when he feels their sadness I am stopped in my tracks - time stands still. Lying on a lounge chair, my neice cuddled up against me staring at the stars on a warm Florida night in March, I feel my heart bursting. Collapsing from the inside out, entangled in the energy of all of the beauty that surrounds me every day, affected by it, surrendering to it and being it - demoralizes, diminishes and destroys the active assault that so many of us perceive as life. Namaste.

SHUT UP!

So there have been so many times that I should have shut up. So many times when active listening instead of having to get my two cents worth in would have served me so much better. As your children grow and the primal amygdala portion of their brain is overpowered by their ego, you need to SHUT UP. Stop being sarcastic, stop reacting and stop competing! I am torn open by the number of children I witness being yelled at by their parents or being told "Well, it takes two to argue." Really? Can you not put yourself in your child's shoes and really practise empathy? Would you like to have to grow up in this age of technology, which allows access by predators to these children? Can you imagine how hard it is to be pressured as a teenager to pick what you want to do for the rest of your life - coupled with the absence of parental guidance, love and connection that is plaguing our childrens' generation? I remember being able to play outside all day - we came home for meals and had to be in for the day when "the lights came on." How many of us helicopter parent, micromanage, control and overprotect? When children are overprotected and are not allowed to move away from us at a proper developmental rate, they encounter trauma in the real world. If they have never known failure as a child, thrive on praise and stroking, they are burdened with expectations. SHUT UP! Don't praise - the pressure it puts on your child to be "good" "well behaved" and "the best" is crippling. There is nothing wrong with sharing your joy - "Thank you for making me a card - I love it!" or emoting when they play soccer - "You look like you had a lot of fun out there!" To hold space for constant praise is tiring - on you, your child, your family. Don't reward for intrinsic actions like going pee or potty - be patient and let your child tell you when they are ready to potty train. Being as empathetic as you possibly can for this, I believe, allows you to truly connect with the moment, and that is the best you can do as a parent. Now, I'll shut up.